“Weird” is the word that I keep using to describe how I feel. Somedays it’s “bad” but most days it’s just “weird.” I have days when I could use the adjective “terrible” (like yesterday) but I don’t have many of those.
I’m finding that every time I have a bad day, or bad moment, or bad hour, something good comes along. Of course, my emotions are already kind of tainted at that point, so it’s hard to feel “good” and it just turns weird.
Yesterday was a hard day. It’s really, really hard to see dad’s truck parked in the driveway and remember that he’s not there. It was hard remembering, as I was rolling on the ground in pain (from falling down the porch steps), that dad wasn’t going to come around the corner of the house with Christmas lights in his hand and start laughing at me (with love). So I had a pity party while holding my knee, staring at the grass, and hoping no one drove by and thought I was dead. I’ve been told this will happen, and that it’s okay. It’s hard for me because I’m not much of a “embrace your negative emotion” kind of person—I want to push it back and ignore it. I want to feel good emotions only.
So yesterday was rough. But then the good trailed along behind it. I just looked through my text messages and realized I texted my unconscious dad “I love you so much” two minutes before he was officially gone. I know he didn’t see it, but somehow that makes my heart feel better that I got one last “I love you” in.
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